Death by Train

I know what you're thinking. I am going to re-tell the orangutan retina story. No, I am not, but I will tell another. One of me. One of death by... ("Oh, Crap, Phil, you wrote TRAIN!" "Sorry, I'll just go watch MTV and cry." "No! Phil, don't cry, it's fine, everyone makes mistakes. Here, watch this nice movie." "This is your sock that says "Thursday" on it." "Oh, then watch this." "Sir, I don't want to watch your slideshow from the 'Bahamas' again. It's just a single picture of you next to a Jamaican man you met in Santa Barbara." "This is not that, Phil, this is the new 'Jersey Shore' season." "But I don't want to watch Snooki and J-Woww cuss and sue their fathers and be rich-" "Just go away, Phil!") Sorry about that. Here's our unnamed story because SOMEONE forgot to name it.

Jamie Foxx walks into a bar and meets his good pals Charlie Chaplin, Justin Beiber, and for some reason, Jeffrey Dahmer. He asks if everyone bought their share. They reply yes. Foxx drops a fully alive tiny tiger on the table. Chaplin and Beiber both pull out bags of Formaldehyde and Whopper buns, except Beiber's hideous new hairdo makes his buns shrink and the Formaldehyde spills all over the table and spills in Dahmer's lap. Dahmer screams and automatically eats Beiber whole. Then, the guy who makes suggestions for blogger tag posts walks in and starts screaming about scooters, vacations, and fall. Dahmer starts to foam at the mouth. Timothy Omundsen bursts in with Maggie Lawson and James Roday. Omundsen screams "Put your hands in the air! SBPD here! We are here to arrest you for the murder of Stephanie Germanotta!" Everyone is confused, except for Dahmer, who now appers to have bust open his ribcage. Justin Beiber has turned into Clara Peller, better known as the "Where's the beef?" lady from the old Wendy's commercials. She walks over to Dule Hill, who is screaming about his car in the corner, and picks him up and violently throws him at Jamie Foxx. Then, Brad Pitt and Grandmaw Glozell walk in and Glozell starts talking about how she should have beat Trunks' behind. Then, the roof caves in and standing on a pillar made of pure gold and owl pellets, is Redfoo. His afro begins to sing "Try a Little Tenderness". Maggie Lawson walks up to Clara Peller and vomits chocolate pudding all over her. Scooby Doo bursts in with Tom the Cat and Bugs Bunny and they all do their things together, which ends up sounding like "What's a meowy doo doc?" This is when I wake up and realize that it is all a dream. Redfoo, his singing afro, Maggie Lawson, James Roday, Clara Peller, Scooby Doo, Tom, Bugs Bunny, Timothy Omundsen, Brad Pitt, Trunks, Grandmaw Glozell, a tiny tiger, Jamie Foxx, Charlie Chaplin, the guy who does the suggestions for blogger, plus the smoking ribcage of Jeffrey Dahmer, Dule Hill's dead body, and Justin Beiber's hair all put me back to sleep while the Beatles sing "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club" and I eat my burger buns and formaldehyde. I make a cookie out of the moon and fall into a deep sleep while my compadres, a smoking ribcage, a dead body, and hair sing.