DIRIGIYEM 3!

Here we go-a! Dirigiyem. Dirigiyem. Oh my god. Today, I decided that it would be a great idea to go to a Bell Tower and show Dirigiyem around. What I didn't count on is what happened. But, with Dirigiyem, you never know. When we were about to leave, he tried to sneak seven pounds of beef jerky, sunglasses, more Red Bull (no surprise there), a My Little Pony purse with more beef jerky in it, a 50 Cent autographed bazooka, and hiccup powder. He almost got in the purse and the red bull, but when someone comes out of a house carrying a 50 cent autographed bazooka, you don't just say "Oh, that's perfectly normal.". I was able to stop him because he didn't have any Red Bull yet. We go into the car and he hopped in the driver's seat. I was about to pull him out when he took the keys, put them in the ignition, and started the car. Then, he locked the door. I jumped on the windshield to pound it and hopefully he'd let me in, but, no, he pounded the gas pedal with all his might and the car started at 50 mph. I was pounding on the windsheild and screaming, but he was not paying attention. He was listening to a sea shell. The car eventually was going so fast that my cheeks flapped from air. Having wet, spitty cheeks slap against your face while you are on top of a speeding car with a questionable idiot driving is not the most pleasant of feelings. Finally, I climbed on to the top of the car and bashed in the sunroof. I fell into the car just as Dirigiyem pulled into the YMCA. I jumped on the wheel and forcefully drove all the way to the bell tower. We got out of the car and walked to the entrance. I got out my wallet and prepared to pay. I opened my wallet and looked inside. All that was in there was a buisness card from a liposuction company and a half-eaten postcard from Japan. My thought process- phew, car ride's over, get out wallet, huh. slightly light, open wallet, HUWHAT!, where's mah money, what's this, Carol's Lipo, god dang, what's this, Japan Postcard with bites, oh, duh, Dirigiyem. Then I screamed for him to give me back my money and he promptly vomited all over the floor. Out came his 50 cent bazooka and one thousand dollars. I picked it up and gave it to the man at the entrance so we could go in. We started walking up the stairs and guess who started walking down? Carol- from Carol's lipo. Dirigiyem suddenly said "GUUUUUURL SHAWNIQUA BON QUI QUI VIQUIMINISHA KOOLAIDRIA LA'TANIANA'BO'VANASHRIANIQUALIQUANICE! HOW YOU BEEN DOIN'?" Carol screamed and jumped out of the window. I was deeply alarmed and decided it was time to go home. He didn't. He grabbed my arm and flew up to the thing that makes a bell ring. He grabbed it and all the sudden decided that he didn't know how to fly anymore. No one else was in the bell tower but Dirigiyem and I. Of course, there was also the attendant, but, seeing as we were about 300 feet off the ground, it might be hard to hear us. While thinking, Dirigiyem immediately got out a massive chainsaw and sawed off the rung- thing. We bounced down forty flights of stairs. The rung flew up into the air, smashed into the ground, and the radiance from such a heavy object made the bell tower fall down on top of the dude in the front office. I broke several bones but, Dirigiyem, of course, was fine. As I was dragged out of the mess on a stretcher, he was eating KFC Fried Chicken and drinking Red Bull. I tried to yell at him to stop, but that didn't really work seeing how my jaw is broken. As the ambulance drove away, I saw him become enraged and dump the rest of the chicken on a policeman's head.


Sigh.

Government Suggestions

So, I have been doing stuff lately. I... well... listened to Lonely Island and stuff. Um... OH! So, I had this really creepy thing happen to me today. On Thursday, I drew a very large Sysco truck on a small street with a serial killer on top of the truck holding two knives and screaming about... I don't know, salami or something. It doesn't matter. Then, today, I went to a market, and I saw a Sysco truck and a guy holding a few packages of salami. I screamed, ran, tripped, got up, and ran home. I also found this creepy japanese package on the sidewalk that looked kind of like John Waters rubbing a sponge on a refrigerator. Then, I went to Richard's Variety Store to get some fake mustaches and found a SUPER AWESOME CHICKEN MASK! But it was 35 dollars. Also, people have been asking about lists lately. Wait, no they haven't. I lied. But here's a list of things I think the government should seriously consider.

1) Ok, bring back the white wigs. They are so awesome. I mean, look at George Washington, with his super cool wig, chilling in his office, LIKE A BOSS!

Don't you think that other people would look super cool in those wigs? Imagine Rihanna(hey, she popped in my head at the moment, so that's who I'm going with) wearing a wig and singing "Umbrella"- with an awesome wig instead of just plain old hair. Now, Ok, Lady Gaga and Nicki Minaj do not have to worry about hair problems. They have it down. Sometimes I just think that Lady Gaga just takes what she's thinking about and puts it on her head. (Oh, Rottweilers? Ok! Gigantic snowflakes? Cool. Hmm... xenophilacs? How much does it cost? One billion? Ok, fits the budget. Hey guys, I've got an idea? What about just HAIR? Nah, let's go with a to- scale model of the pacific tectonic plate.)

2) HORSES! That's where it's at. The funk soul brother. Check it out now. If we used horses and planes, the pollution problem would be way lower. But don't get out your whips! Don't abuse the horses. Just calmly say "Run". OK? Is that in your head? No need to make deep cuts and gashes. No need to stab a horse in the back repetitively to make it go. No need to damage the horse's eardrums by getting a megaphone and shouting encouragement for the horse directly into it's ear. Just say run. It's one of the words from us humans that horses actually understand. (Unless your horse is Mr. Ed or incredibly intelligent) And just because they get one word doesn't mean you can sit and chat over coffee and scones. Horses get "run". They do not get "Oh- my- god. Jessica- girl, did you see Brad Pitt in that underwear ad? He was a-smokin! Oh my gawd!" Do not chat with a horse. A horse is a horse, of course, of course, not yo BFF Jessica.

3) Try to move the white house. Seriously. The thing is on the coast. It's pretty, and all, but terrorist and whatever have the easiest access to it there, on the coast. Instead of the white house being in Washington D.C., it should be in, like, Nebraska. I'm just saying. Seriously, if a terrorist was in a plane or something, they might have a lot of feul when they leave, but after crossing the ocean, they won't have much feul. Then, to go all the way to NEBRASKA? Seriously, the plane would crash in some feild or something. Unless, of course, it came from in the US. Then, we would be all toast. Just a suggestion, of course.

4) I don't know. Those are my main ones. If you have more, comment or whatever.

Ben