Sunday, November 25, 2012

The Endless List

Well, hello. I am Mr. Hemilpharb. I wish to tell you a story. A story of power. A story of tragedy. A story that, hopefully, wasn't untitled by Phil.
(Good job, Phil.)
One day, a man was in the great nation of Jaloopalagambous (also known as Nepal), and he decided to climb the Himalayas. But, he wanted more than just to climb them. He wanted to experience the full power of Mt. Dirigiyem. Therefore, he decided to climb it while listening to an e-book of James Clavelis' "Shogun". Now, as he prepared to climb, a man warned him of the great horrors he would face on the mountain. He replied "Am Person. Will climb."

As he began his trek, he started on a nice trail. He looked up at the great mountain shaped like a Dirigiyem head and sighed with bliss. He took no notice that the sign on the path said "DANGER!!!". As he climbed, he noticed that the tree trunks were beginning to look green. Giant bushes appeared, with fruit that was only the crappiest of beers, but, for some reason, also the king of beers. He stumbled upon a dad. A drunk dad trying his hardest to give his son two dollars but only succeeding in giving him all different types of alcohol. He snapped some shots amd moved on. However, he realized he could not move because some crazy old man was trying to eat his feet. He stomped on the man's face. The old guy began screaming about a lake and "eat yer up!". He finally broke free of the old man's grip by giving him a dead guy he found who looked like he had cut off all his fingers, got run over by a train, and then was viciously mauled by bears. He then actually moved on.

He then reached a famous place called "Celebrity Hill". Owl pellets, smoking carcasses, hair, and numerous celebrities were everywhere. He instantly got the autograph of Jeffrey Dahmer's smoking ribcage. No one else seemed worthy to him. As he went up the mountain further, he happened upon a road. Someone who appeared to be a lion in a car pulled up. But, this thing rolled down its window and was actually a half-woman, half-lion. Next to her was a horrifying clown with a rather large chainsaw. He moved on. As he got further up the road, he noticed an abundance of frozen people who had recently gotten electrocuted. He stayed for a while, but left due to crazy people chasing him with highlighters.

All of the sudden, an amazing thing happened. Old people flew up into the air attached to fireworks! He was there on the night of the Annual Senior FIIREEWWOOOORRRKKKSSSS Boom Boom Happy Time Fest. Everyone was out to enjoy the fun. A man in a lime green suit grabbed his daughter and threw her across the room while a child dropped bacon on the floor. A giant bird flew in the sky above him with lots of eyes on its toes. Xzibit even showed up with his own fireworks and said "Yo dawg I herd you like fireworks so I put a boom in your bang so you can explode while you explode." The man thought these were words of wisdom. He committed them to memory.

Then, all of the sudden, something rose from the ground. It was a strange creature. Its head looked like a mushroom, but with lots of the letter y on it. Electric currents flew everywhere, as did Red Bull and Bazookas autographed by various members of the rap community. It was Dirigiyem. But then, he sang. He sang a tune for times. He sang so beautifully that the man fell into a limbo of color and beauty, where he could taste sound and touch smell. He flew above mountains, he was high in the sky. Circular birds flew by with bright orange wings. But then, there was a passage. A passage of much color. He swam through it, and on the other side, his ears smoked and green eyebrows hung themselves on ropes made out of flames. All the sudden, he was a liquid that turned into many solids of himself. And when he was himself, he knew that he truly was.

And then Dirigiyem stopped singing. He woke up on the dirty tile floor of a Super 8 motel with foam and blood all over his face. He ran out of the room and realized that he had no idea where he was. He ran along the balcony, trying to find something he knew, something that was familiar to him. He ran screaming along the balcony. Dozens of strange people walked out of their rooms, wondering what was happening. Then, they see this man, with blood and foam all over his face, standing on a hotel balcony, wearing only his underpants. And then he stepped back too far and went straight over the railing. That man fell forty-six feet. And just before he landed, he saw something he knew.
His brand new car.
He smashed onto the car. His head went straight through the windsheild and he got the necklace of death. His blood stained the windows, hood, and windsheild of the car as his body fell from atop it. The man was dead.




And that's why you don't do drugs, kids!

Monday, October 1, 2012

ELEMENT

I made a mooooooooooovie!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!
It has pie!
And soft voices!
And fanny packs!
And Taco Bell bathroom references!
And cliffs!
And death!
And insane people!
And terrible audio!
But watch it anyways.
Or I will all of your furniture in half.
And no one wants their furniture in half.
I'll be like
And then you'll be like
So yeah, you don't want to be like Vader.
So watch that.
Or else.
 

Monday, July 23, 2012

2 Things

First thing. NO VOTES FOR CROATIA?!!?!?!?! WHAAAAAAAT? Seriously, you guys are missing out on... this!
None of it is manmade. Natural. Now, do you know what all those other countries look like? Terrible! No beauty matches that!
Second thing, my friend Connor started a blog. It's small now, but if you leave suggestions, then he'll make some cool stuff. None of it will make sense (thankfully). Here is the link. Follow him.
http://elementalgrandpappy.blogspot.com/

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Me vs. Cockroach

TONIGHT, I WON! I BEAT MY LONG-TIME ENEMY, THE COCKROACH, IN A BATTLE OF EPIC PROPORTIONS!!

BOOM.

Oh yeah. This post may seem sadistic, but believe me, this roach had it coming.

It all started about a month ago...
I was making tea in my kitchen. All life was normal. It was a simple time.
Sort of. Anyways, I was making tea, and I grab the sugar pot, and I notice something. There is a cockroach living behind it.Our rivalry begins... now!
(WARNING: EXTREME IMMATURITY ENSUES)








21 Hours. At the bunker. The enemy is closeby. Not scared. Have sombrero.
I have assembled my team of elites to fight this powerful enemy. They are- the bros.
Our battle begins.
Me: kkhrrrKKshhh... Come in, Prof. Bear!

Bear: Hello, Captain!

Me: Send in the three.
Bear: Ok, captain.
Flamboyant Yellow Cat: Who'll kill the cockroach? I will!
Turtle: Of course you will. I'm super slow and silent cat just sits there.
Silent Cat:...
Bear: Captain! Should I send in our stealthy one?
Me: Absolutely.

Stealth Dog: Oh yeaah. Imma get in there with my incredible disguise. Watch this guys.
Stealth Dog: Never will you find me.
Me: Good job dog. Uh oh.
Me: Lost my sombrero.
Bear: Can you go on, captain?
Me: I must keep going! Even without the great sombrero I am still more human than that wretched cockroach!
Bear: You have a bit of an advantage, sir.
Me: But even if I were a roach and he was a human, I would still be more of a human..
Bear: WHOA. You just blew my mind.
Me: Send in the golden man and dragon.
Bear: Are you sure? Golden is very reckless.
Me: As am I. Send him in.
Bear: Very well, sir.
Dragon: GD! What are you doing?
GD: Spying on the enemy.
Dragon: But, if he sees you-
Dragon: NOOOOOO! GD!!!!!
Bear: GD's down! GD's down!
Me: We must keep fighting!
Dragon: This will not go unnoticed. Cockroach, today you die!
Bear: NO! Dragon... don't you dare...
Dragon: Oh, I dare, bear.
Dragon: I got the weapon!
Me: Dragon... think this through, broheim...
Cockroach: I got a line off GD! Hahahaa! Now imma fly everywhere in a very amateur-like fashion!
Me: Ok, dragon, kill him now.
Dragon: OH YEEAAAAH!
Walky Talky: Shhing! Shlopschtingshtupupupupzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzblooooooosh!
Me: Eww...
Dragon: Got 'im!
Cockroach: That "me" was a balloon of marinara sauce! Sucker! Oops! Just fell down a hole in this sink. Handy. I can get out easy just by grabbing these little-
Me: Nope.
Me: That hole is called the sink disposal, broseph.
Cockroach: Oh crap.
Cockroach: NonononoNonONONONONONONONO!!!!
ZZZZZZZZZZZcrcktzshsplshgushzzZZZZZZZzZZZZzZZZZzzzoooup
Me: Mission accomplished.




THE END



Ok, so that's obviously not really what happened, but the cockroach did get chopped up in the disposal. I'm also not a sadist, I'm just annoyed by cockroaches. They're nasty. And when they are alive and in my house at the same time I think they're going to crawl on my feet while I sleep. Therefore I kill them with a broom. Most of the time. (Hee-hee says the disposal.)

-Ben

Monday, March 5, 2012

Orange Juice

Orange juice. It is a very addictive substance that makes you want more and more until you are so full you vomit. No, this is not a nick name for a drug. I mean real Orange Juice. This is the process of Orange Juice's evilness.




1) You are just walking, doing nothing.







You are walking through the kitchen, whistling or being bored or just walking around. You notice the fridge. You all of the sudden notice you are hungry, You, in fact, are not hungry, but you are caught into thinking that you are hungry by the sudden appearance of the fridge. This is when you need to stop and go to a drawer for some chips. You do not need to open the fridge. If you do, the impending chaos will most certainly ensue.




2) You OPEN THE FRIDGE.





Well, you have done it. You have done the incredibly stupid and opened the fridge. Too bad.
Why would you open the fridge? This is when you notice something that you knew about in the back of your mind but never really took the time to think about. You have ORANGE JUICE. You need to drink it. It beckons to you.
3) You drink the orange juice.




No time to grab a cup. You have to drink it now or the absence of orange juice will haunt you until you die at the age of 9,723. No time for a glass. You chug.




Then, at the exact moment that you begin, your mother or father walks in and tells you no OJ for a long time and you are confined to your room without the computer until "further notice". This means that your mom will wake up three months later and say, 'Oh! You're not grounded anymore!" Which leads to step 4...




4) Unbridled Rage At Yourself





You begin in an insane rage. The only thing you can see is the object in your immediate view and DEATH.






This causes you to run the streets. A creepy kidnapper dude takes you to his lab where he proceeds to try and morph you with a chicken and feeds you nothing but Holiday Inn Mouthwash, Chocolate Muffins, and, upon request, crystal meth.
Of course, in your rage, you escape. You douse your captor in the mouthwash and he melts into nothing but steam and shame.





5)Restart




You return home after a breif stay in a Cambodian prison. You are bored. You wander around the house. You notice something. You have an itching. Is it for death? No... Is it for food? Maybe...




Hold up.




It's OJ time.

Now, these steps may be subject to change. You could be automatically stabbed in the heart by so much rage that it actually comes out of you and kills you. Then it makes an army of rage-pillows and destroys the sun.




You could also calm down, sit in a chair, and peacefully forget all this happened. (Nevermind, it would never happen.)




You may end up calming a little upon which you then stuff yourself with hypothermic needles full of caramel and PURE RAGE. Then, this happens.



And then you automatically turn into a nearly toothless old man.



Good night!



(P.S. Can you find Miles? He's in here somewhere!)

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

DIRIGIYEM 3!

Here we go-a! Dirigiyem. Dirigiyem. Oh my god. Today, I decided that it would be a great idea to go to a Bell Tower and show Dirigiyem around. What I didn't count on is what happened. But, with Dirigiyem, you never know. When we were about to leave, he tried to sneak seven pounds of beef jerky, sunglasses, more Red Bull (no surprise there), a My Little Pony purse with more beef jerky in it, a 50 Cent autographed bazooka, and hiccup powder. He almost got in the purse and the red bull, but when someone comes out of a house carrying a 50 cent autographed bazooka, you don't just say "Oh, that's perfectly normal.". I was able to stop him because he didn't have any Red Bull yet. We go into the car and he hopped in the driver's seat. I was about to pull him out when he took the keys, put them in the ignition, and started the car. Then, he locked the door. I jumped on the windshield to pound it and hopefully he'd let me in, but, no, he pounded the gas pedal with all his might and the car started at 50 mph. I was pounding on the windsheild and screaming, but he was not paying attention. He was listening to a sea shell. The car eventually was going so fast that my cheeks flapped from air. Having wet, spitty cheeks slap against your face while you are on top of a speeding car with a questionable idiot driving is not the most pleasant of feelings. Finally, I climbed on to the top of the car and bashed in the sunroof. I fell into the car just as Dirigiyem pulled into the YMCA. I jumped on the wheel and forcefully drove all the way to the bell tower. We got out of the car and walked to the entrance. I got out my wallet and prepared to pay. I opened my wallet and looked inside. All that was in there was a buisness card from a liposuction company and a half-eaten postcard from Japan. My thought process- phew, car ride's over, get out wallet, huh. slightly light, open wallet, HUWHAT!, where's mah money, what's this, Carol's Lipo, god dang, what's this, Japan Postcard with bites, oh, duh, Dirigiyem. Then I screamed for him to give me back my money and he promptly vomited all over the floor. Out came his 50 cent bazooka and one thousand dollars. I picked it up and gave it to the man at the entrance so we could go in. We started walking up the stairs and guess who started walking down? Carol- from Carol's lipo. Dirigiyem suddenly said "GUUUUUURL SHAWNIQUA BON QUI QUI VIQUIMINISHA KOOLAIDRIA LA'TANIANA'BO'VANASHRIANIQUALIQUANICE! HOW YOU BEEN DOIN'?" Carol screamed and jumped out of the window. I was deeply alarmed and decided it was time to go home. He didn't. He grabbed my arm and flew up to the thing that makes a bell ring. He grabbed it and all the sudden decided that he didn't know how to fly anymore. No one else was in the bell tower but Dirigiyem and I. Of course, there was also the attendant, but, seeing as we were about 300 feet off the ground, it might be hard to hear us. While thinking, Dirigiyem immediately got out a massive chainsaw and sawed off the rung- thing. We bounced down forty flights of stairs. The rung flew up into the air, smashed into the ground, and the radiance from such a heavy object made the bell tower fall down on top of the dude in the front office. I broke several bones but, Dirigiyem, of course, was fine. As I was dragged out of the mess on a stretcher, he was eating KFC Fried Chicken and drinking Red Bull. I tried to yell at him to stop, but that didn't really work seeing how my jaw is broken. As the ambulance drove away, I saw him become enraged and dump the rest of the chicken on a policeman's head.


Sigh.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Government Suggestions

So, I have been doing stuff lately. I... well... listened to Lonely Island and stuff. Um... OH! So, I had this really creepy thing happen to me today. On Thursday, I drew a very large Sysco truck on a small street with a serial killer on top of the truck holding two knives and screaming about... I don't know, salami or something. It doesn't matter. Then, today, I went to a market, and I saw a Sysco truck and a guy holding a few packages of salami. I screamed, ran, tripped, got up, and ran home. I also found this creepy japanese package on the sidewalk that looked kind of like John Waters rubbing a sponge on a refrigerator. Then, I went to Richard's Variety Store to get some fake mustaches and found a SUPER AWESOME CHICKEN MASK! But it was 35 dollars. Also, people have been asking about lists lately. Wait, no they haven't. I lied. But here's a list of things I think the government should seriously consider.












1) Ok, bring back the white wigs. They are so awesome. I mean, look at George Washington, with his super cool wig, chilling in his office, LIKE A BOSS!






Don't you think that other people would look super cool in those wigs? Imagine Rihanna(hey, she popped in my head at the moment, so that's who I'm going with) wearing a wig and singing "Umbrella"- with an awesome wig instead of just plain old hair. Now, Ok, Lady Gaga and Nicki Minaj do not have to worry about hair problems. They have it down. Sometimes I just think that Lady Gaga just takes what she's thinking about and puts it on her head. (Oh, Rottweilers? Ok! Gigantic snowflakes? Cool. Hmm... xenophilacs? How much does it cost? One billion? Ok, fits the budget. Hey guys, I've got an idea? What about just HAIR? Nah, let's go with a to- scale model of the pacific tectonic plate.)







2) HORSES! That's where it's at. The funk soul brother. Check it out now. If we used horses and planes, the pollution problem would be way lower. But don't get out your whips! Don't abuse the horses. Just calmly say "Run". OK? Is that in your head? No need to make deep cuts and gashes. No need to stab a horse in the back repetitively to make it go. No need to damage the horse's eardrums by getting a megaphone and shouting encouragement for the horse directly into it's ear. Just say run. It's one of the words from us humans that horses actually understand. (Unless your horse is Mr. Ed or incredibly intelligent) And just because they get one word doesn't mean you can sit and chat over coffee and scones. Horses get "run". They do not get "Oh- my- god. Jessica- girl, did you see Brad Pitt in that underwear ad? He was a-smokin! Oh my gawd!" Do not chat with a horse. A horse is a horse, of course, of course, not yo BFF Jessica.



3) Try to move the white house. Seriously. The thing is on the coast. It's pretty, and all, but terrorist and whatever have the easiest access to it there, on the coast. Instead of the white house being in Washington D.C., it should be in, like, Nebraska. I'm just saying. Seriously, if a terrorist was in a plane or something, they might have a lot of feul when they leave, but after crossing the ocean, they won't have much feul. Then, to go all the way to NEBRASKA? Seriously, the plane would crash in some feild or something. Unless, of course, it came from in the US. Then, we would be all toast. Just a suggestion, of course.



4) I don't know. Those are my main ones. If you have more, comment or whatever.



Ben