Me vs. Cockroach

TONIGHT, I WON! I BEAT MY LONG-TIME ENEMY, THE COCKROACH, IN A BATTLE OF EPIC PROPORTIONS!!

BOOM.

Oh yeah. This post may seem sadistic, but believe me, this roach had it coming.

It all started about a month ago...

I was making tea in my kitchen. All life was normal. It was a simple time.

Sort of. Anyways, I was making tea, and I grab the sugar pot, and I notice something. There is a cockroach living behind it.Our rivalry begins... now!

(WARNING: EXTREME IMMATURITY ENSUES)

21 Hours. At the bunker. The enemy is closeby. Not scared. Have sombrero.

I have assembled my team of elites to fight this powerful enemy. They are- the bros.

Our battle begins.

Me: kkhrrrKKshhh... Come in, Prof. Bear!

Bear: Hello, Captain!

Me: Send in the three.

Bear: Ok, captain.

Flamboyant Yellow Cat: Who'll kill the cockroach? I will!

Turtle: Of course you will. I'm super slow and silent cat just sits there.

Silent Cat:...

Bear: Captain! Should I send in our stealthy one?

Me: Absolutely.

Stealth Dog: Oh yeaah. Imma get in there with my incredible disguise. Watch this guys.

Stealth Dog: Never will you find me.

Me: Good job dog. Uh oh.

Me: Lost my sombrero.

Bear: Can you go on, captain?

Me: I must keep going! Even without the great sombrero I am still more human than that wretched cockroach!

Bear: You have a bit of an advantage, sir.

Me: But even if I were a roach and he was a human, I would still be more of a human..

Bear: WHOA. You just blew my mind.

Me: Send in the golden man and dragon.

Bear: Are you sure? Golden is very reckless.

Me: As am I. Send him in.

Bear: Very well, sir.

Dragon: GD! What are you doing?

GD: Spying on the enemy.

Dragon: But, if he sees you-

Dragon: NOOOOOO! GD!!!!!

Bear: GD's down! GD's down!

Me: We must keep fighting!

Dragon: This will not go unnoticed. Cockroach, today you die!

Bear: NO! Dragon... don't you dare...

Dragon: Oh, I dare, bear.

Dragon: I got the weapon!

Me: Dragon... think this through, broheim...

Cockroach: I got a line off GD! Hahahaa! Now imma fly everywhere in a very amateur-like fashion!

Me: Ok, dragon, kill him now.

Dragon: OH YEEAAAAH!

Walky Talky: Shhing! Shlopschtingshtupupupupzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzblooooooosh!

Me: Eww...

Dragon: Got 'im!

Cockroach: That "me" was a balloon of marinara sauce! Sucker! Oops! Just fell down a hole in this sink. Handy. I can get out easy just by grabbing these little-

Me: Nope.

Me: That hole is called the sink disposal, broseph.

Cockroach: Oh crap.

Cockroach: NonononoNonONONONONONONONO!!!!

ZZZZZZZZZZZcrcktzshsplshgushzzZZZZZZZzZZZZzZZZZzzzoooup

Me: Mission accomplished.

THE END

Ok, so that's obviously not really what happened, but the cockroach did get chopped up in the disposal. I'm also not a sadist, I'm just annoyed by cockroaches. They're nasty. And when they are alive and in my house at the same time I think they're going to crawl on my feet while I sleep. Therefore I kill them with a broom. Most of the time. (Hee-hee says the disposal.)

-Ben

Orange Juice

Orange juice. It is a very addictive substance that makes you want more and more until you are so full you vomit. No, this is not a nick name for a drug. I mean real Orange Juice. This is the process of Orange Juice's evilness.

1) You are just walking, doing nothing.

You are walking through the kitchen, whistling or being bored or just walking around. You notice the fridge. You all of the sudden notice you are hungry, You, in fact, are not hungry, but you are caught into thinking that you are hungry by the sudden appearance of the fridge. This is when you need to stop and go to a drawer for some chips. You do not need to open the fridge. If you do, the impending chaos will most certainly ensue.

2) You OPEN THE FRIDGE.

Well, you have done it. You have done the incredibly stupid and opened the fridge. Too bad.
Why would you open the fridge? This is when you notice something that you knew about in the back of your mind but never really took the time to think about. You have ORANGE JUICE. You need to drink it. It beckons to you.
3) You drink the orange juice.

No time to grab a cup. You have to drink it now or the absence of orange juice will haunt you until you die at the age of 9,723. No time for a glass. You chug.

Then, at the exact moment that you begin, your mother or father walks in and tells you no OJ for a long time and you are confined to your room without the computer until "further notice". This means that your mom will wake up three months later and say, 'Oh! You're not grounded anymore!" Which leads to step 4...

4) Unbridled Rage At Yourself

You begin in an insane rage. The only thing you can see is the object in your immediate view and DEATH.

This causes you to run the streets. A creepy kidnapper dude takes you to his lab where he proceeds to try and morph you with a chicken and feeds you nothing but Holiday Inn Mouthwash, Chocolate Muffins, and, upon request, crystal meth.
Of course, in your rage, you escape. You douse your captor in the mouthwash and he melts into nothing but steam and shame.

5)Restart

You return home after a breif stay in a Cambodian prison. You are bored. You wander around the house. You notice something. You have an itching. Is it for death? No... Is it for food? Maybe...

Hold up.

It's OJ time.

Now, these steps may be subject to change. You could be automatically stabbed in the heart by so much rage that it actually comes out of you and kills you. Then it makes an army of rage-pillows and destroys the sun.

You could also calm down, sit in a chair, and peacefully forget all this happened. (Nevermind, it would never happen.)

You may end up calming a little upon which you then stuff yourself with hypothermic needles full of caramel and PURE RAGE. Then, this happens.

And then you automatically turn into a nearly toothless old man.

Good night!

(P.S. Can you find Miles? He's in here somewhere!)

DIRIGIYEM 3!

Here we go-a! Dirigiyem. Dirigiyem. Oh my god. Today, I decided that it would be a great idea to go to a Bell Tower and show Dirigiyem around. What I didn't count on is what happened. But, with Dirigiyem, you never know. When we were about to leave, he tried to sneak seven pounds of beef jerky, sunglasses, more Red Bull (no surprise there), a My Little Pony purse with more beef jerky in it, a 50 Cent autographed bazooka, and hiccup powder. He almost got in the purse and the red bull, but when someone comes out of a house carrying a 50 cent autographed bazooka, you don't just say "Oh, that's perfectly normal.". I was able to stop him because he didn't have any Red Bull yet. We go into the car and he hopped in the driver's seat. I was about to pull him out when he took the keys, put them in the ignition, and started the car. Then, he locked the door. I jumped on the windshield to pound it and hopefully he'd let me in, but, no, he pounded the gas pedal with all his might and the car started at 50 mph. I was pounding on the windsheild and screaming, but he was not paying attention. He was listening to a sea shell. The car eventually was going so fast that my cheeks flapped from air. Having wet, spitty cheeks slap against your face while you are on top of a speeding car with a questionable idiot driving is not the most pleasant of feelings. Finally, I climbed on to the top of the car and bashed in the sunroof. I fell into the car just as Dirigiyem pulled into the YMCA. I jumped on the wheel and forcefully drove all the way to the bell tower. We got out of the car and walked to the entrance. I got out my wallet and prepared to pay. I opened my wallet and looked inside. All that was in there was a buisness card from a liposuction company and a half-eaten postcard from Japan. My thought process- phew, car ride's over, get out wallet, huh. slightly light, open wallet, HUWHAT!, where's mah money, what's this, Carol's Lipo, god dang, what's this, Japan Postcard with bites, oh, duh, Dirigiyem. Then I screamed for him to give me back my money and he promptly vomited all over the floor. Out came his 50 cent bazooka and one thousand dollars. I picked it up and gave it to the man at the entrance so we could go in. We started walking up the stairs and guess who started walking down? Carol- from Carol's lipo. Dirigiyem suddenly said "GUUUUUURL SHAWNIQUA BON QUI QUI VIQUIMINISHA KOOLAIDRIA LA'TANIANA'BO'VANASHRIANIQUALIQUANICE! HOW YOU BEEN DOIN'?" Carol screamed and jumped out of the window. I was deeply alarmed and decided it was time to go home. He didn't. He grabbed my arm and flew up to the thing that makes a bell ring. He grabbed it and all the sudden decided that he didn't know how to fly anymore. No one else was in the bell tower but Dirigiyem and I. Of course, there was also the attendant, but, seeing as we were about 300 feet off the ground, it might be hard to hear us. While thinking, Dirigiyem immediately got out a massive chainsaw and sawed off the rung- thing. We bounced down forty flights of stairs. The rung flew up into the air, smashed into the ground, and the radiance from such a heavy object made the bell tower fall down on top of the dude in the front office. I broke several bones but, Dirigiyem, of course, was fine. As I was dragged out of the mess on a stretcher, he was eating KFC Fried Chicken and drinking Red Bull. I tried to yell at him to stop, but that didn't really work seeing how my jaw is broken. As the ambulance drove away, I saw him become enraged and dump the rest of the chicken on a policeman's head.


Sigh.

Government Suggestions

So, I have been doing stuff lately. I... well... listened to Lonely Island and stuff. Um... OH! So, I had this really creepy thing happen to me today. On Thursday, I drew a very large Sysco truck on a small street with a serial killer on top of the truck holding two knives and screaming about... I don't know, salami or something. It doesn't matter. Then, today, I went to a market, and I saw a Sysco truck and a guy holding a few packages of salami. I screamed, ran, tripped, got up, and ran home. I also found this creepy japanese package on the sidewalk that looked kind of like John Waters rubbing a sponge on a refrigerator. Then, I went to Richard's Variety Store to get some fake mustaches and found a SUPER AWESOME CHICKEN MASK! But it was 35 dollars. Also, people have been asking about lists lately. Wait, no they haven't. I lied. But here's a list of things I think the government should seriously consider.

1) Ok, bring back the white wigs. They are so awesome. I mean, look at George Washington, with his super cool wig, chilling in his office, LIKE A BOSS!

Don't you think that other people would look super cool in those wigs? Imagine Rihanna(hey, she popped in my head at the moment, so that's who I'm going with) wearing a wig and singing "Umbrella"- with an awesome wig instead of just plain old hair. Now, Ok, Lady Gaga and Nicki Minaj do not have to worry about hair problems. They have it down. Sometimes I just think that Lady Gaga just takes what she's thinking about and puts it on her head. (Oh, Rottweilers? Ok! Gigantic snowflakes? Cool. Hmm... xenophilacs? How much does it cost? One billion? Ok, fits the budget. Hey guys, I've got an idea? What about just HAIR? Nah, let's go with a to- scale model of the pacific tectonic plate.)

2) HORSES! That's where it's at. The funk soul brother. Check it out now. If we used horses and planes, the pollution problem would be way lower. But don't get out your whips! Don't abuse the horses. Just calmly say "Run". OK? Is that in your head? No need to make deep cuts and gashes. No need to stab a horse in the back repetitively to make it go. No need to damage the horse's eardrums by getting a megaphone and shouting encouragement for the horse directly into it's ear. Just say run. It's one of the words from us humans that horses actually understand. (Unless your horse is Mr. Ed or incredibly intelligent) And just because they get one word doesn't mean you can sit and chat over coffee and scones. Horses get "run". They do not get "Oh- my- god. Jessica- girl, did you see Brad Pitt in that underwear ad? He was a-smokin! Oh my gawd!" Do not chat with a horse. A horse is a horse, of course, of course, not yo BFF Jessica.

3) Try to move the white house. Seriously. The thing is on the coast. It's pretty, and all, but terrorist and whatever have the easiest access to it there, on the coast. Instead of the white house being in Washington D.C., it should be in, like, Nebraska. I'm just saying. Seriously, if a terrorist was in a plane or something, they might have a lot of feul when they leave, but after crossing the ocean, they won't have much feul. Then, to go all the way to NEBRASKA? Seriously, the plane would crash in some feild or something. Unless, of course, it came from in the US. Then, we would be all toast. Just a suggestion, of course.

4) I don't know. Those are my main ones. If you have more, comment or whatever.

Ben

Death by Train

I know what you're thinking. I am going to re-tell the orangutan retina story. No, I am not, but I will tell another. One of me. One of death by... ("Oh, Crap, Phil, you wrote TRAIN!" "Sorry, I'll just go watch MTV and cry." "No! Phil, don't cry, it's fine, everyone makes mistakes. Here, watch this nice movie." "This is your sock that says "Thursday" on it." "Oh, then watch this." "Sir, I don't want to watch your slideshow from the 'Bahamas' again. It's just a single picture of you next to a Jamaican man you met in Santa Barbara." "This is not that, Phil, this is the new 'Jersey Shore' season." "But I don't want to watch Snooki and J-Woww cuss and sue their fathers and be rich-" "Just go away, Phil!") Sorry about that. Here's our unnamed story because SOMEONE forgot to name it.

Jamie Foxx walks into a bar and meets his good pals Charlie Chaplin, Justin Beiber, and for some reason, Jeffrey Dahmer. He asks if everyone bought their share. They reply yes. Foxx drops a fully alive tiny tiger on the table. Chaplin and Beiber both pull out bags of Formaldehyde and Whopper buns, except Beiber's hideous new hairdo makes his buns shrink and the Formaldehyde spills all over the table and spills in Dahmer's lap. Dahmer screams and automatically eats Beiber whole. Then, the guy who makes suggestions for blogger tag posts walks in and starts screaming about scooters, vacations, and fall. Dahmer starts to foam at the mouth. Timothy Omundsen bursts in with Maggie Lawson and James Roday. Omundsen screams "Put your hands in the air! SBPD here! We are here to arrest you for the murder of Stephanie Germanotta!" Everyone is confused, except for Dahmer, who now appers to have bust open his ribcage. Justin Beiber has turned into Clara Peller, better known as the "Where's the beef?" lady from the old Wendy's commercials. She walks over to Dule Hill, who is screaming about his car in the corner, and picks him up and violently throws him at Jamie Foxx. Then, Brad Pitt and Grandmaw Glozell walk in and Glozell starts talking about how she should have beat Trunks' behind. Then, the roof caves in and standing on a pillar made of pure gold and owl pellets, is Redfoo. His afro begins to sing "Try a Little Tenderness". Maggie Lawson walks up to Clara Peller and vomits chocolate pudding all over her. Scooby Doo bursts in with Tom the Cat and Bugs Bunny and they all do their things together, which ends up sounding like "What's a meowy doo doc?" This is when I wake up and realize that it is all a dream. Redfoo, his singing afro, Maggie Lawson, James Roday, Clara Peller, Scooby Doo, Tom, Bugs Bunny, Timothy Omundsen, Brad Pitt, Trunks, Grandmaw Glozell, a tiny tiger, Jamie Foxx, Charlie Chaplin, the guy who does the suggestions for blogger, plus the smoking ribcage of Jeffrey Dahmer, Dule Hill's dead body, and Justin Beiber's hair all put me back to sleep while the Beatles sing "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club" and I eat my burger buns and formaldehyde. I make a cookie out of the moon and fall into a deep sleep while my compadres, a smoking ribcage, a dead body, and hair sing.

Atlanta to Alton: A Story

So, Lucy, my dad, and I were traveling to Alton, Illinois for Christmas to see my dad's side of the family. This means we would drive through Georgia, to Tennessee, to Kentucky, to Illinois. Altogether, about 600 miles. Anyways, our original plan to drive to Nashville, sleep there, and then drive to Alton in the morning failed in a plethora of ways. So, at three o' clock on Wednesday, my dad arrived at my house and we took off. When we left, it immediately began to rain like crazy. We had to turn the windsheild wipers on full speed to even see a blur. After we left, we drove awhile until we got to Tennessee, where there was a lot of firework places. I guess it's because fireworks are illegal in Georgia, but they had every name you could imagine. There was Big Daddy's fireworks, The Alligator Fireworks, Gorilla's Firework Jungle, Firework Bargain Bonanza, FIIREEWWOOOORRRKKKSSSS, Big Boom Fireworks, Extravagant Fireworks, Grandma Sue's Eccentric Fireworks, Fireworx, Big Ol' Fireworks, Big Bomb Go Boom Boom, Screamin' Fireworks, Explode Your Life Fireworks, DIEDIEDIE Fireworks, How Do I Use This Fancy JimJam Fireworks, Fireworks for Senior Citizens, Beginner's Store for Fireworks, Fireworks for Old Farts and Geezers (the cruder, meaner version of Fireworks for Senior Citizens) etc., etc., etc., I could go on for hours. Anyway, we were looking for a Walmart or someplace we could buy CDs for the car. We eventually ended up at a Walmart in some random town in Tennessee, and we bought a bunch of CDs. Anyways, my sister bought this thing called "NOW That's What I Call Music" and we listened to it in the car. It has a lot of good songs on it, and the one my dad is obsessed with is "Forget You" by Cee Lo Green. We left, and it seemed like every Redneck in the country and his hillbilly brother was there. Seriously, there were so many people in that Walmart it was as if you picked it up and took off the roof you could eat the people like sardines. Anyways, we got in the car, and we started listening to Cee Lo Green and we listened to that song over and over. We were going to stop in Nashville, but we decided to keep going. We stopped in Clarksville to sleep there, and we went to a gas station. Inside, my dad rampaged about my "unwise choice" to get a chocolate muffin. When we got to the hotel, I went into the bathroom to put our bags in there, and low and behold, in front of me, stands what could have been the most beautiful sight my eyes had ever seen. It was a tiny bottle labled "Mouthwash". I love mouthwash. If someone told me to choose between some Listerine and an Iphone 4s, I would choose the Listerine. So, immediately I emptied the bottle into my mouth. As soon as the blue liquid touched my taste buds, I knew there was something wrong. This didn't taste like mouthwash. It didn't have the wondrous, strong mint flavor I was used to. It tasted like the bottom of troll's crusty foot(quoting Ms. Woods) plus fried bread. Wet fried bread. I spewed the horrendous excuse for mouthwash (pause for shudder at the thought) all over the floor, along with many of the contents of the muffin. I didn't throw up, but I just spit and gagged a lot. I have a lot of bad luck with chocolate muffins. In the morning, we woke up, and I pretended to be asleep so my dad and sister would get me breakfast and I wouldn't have to get my lazy self out of bed. They were gone for, like, twenty minutes and came back with nothing. This meant I had to actually get up to go get my own breakfast from the continental thing at the hotel. I went downstairs, and pretty much all I ate was bacon. When I was sitting down at one of the tables, eating bacon, watching news, and sipping hot chocolate, I was completely content. That is, until, this loudly dressed man walks in dragging one of his children on the floor. He makes her sit all the way over by me, and I am deeply disturbed. I try not to concentrate on the daughter, but the father kept screaming at her at the top of his lungs from all the way at the other end of the room. Just when I think he's done, all the sudden, he gets up and screams at his daughter, causing me to drop my bacon on the floor. He runs, literally, runs across the room, grabs his daughter, who appears to be doing nothing, and pulls her legs out from under her to make her sit right. At this point I left, because I thought he would eventually agknowledge that I was making little screams in the corner and chuck me out of the window or abduct me and feed me nothing but Holiday Inn mouthwash and chocolate muffins. We left at about 9:00 and drove about fifty miles until my dad, all the sudden, ot of nowhere, yells "GAALEE!". Me and my sister were deeply perplexed by this, until, he told us why he yelled "gaalee" in the middle of Highway 24. He had left his phone at the hotel. We drove fifty miles, and then the guy realizes he forgot his phone. So, we had to drive all the way back to Clarksville to get his phone. On the way back, we were about to turn- when we missed the exit. We had to tun around again and again until we finally got back to the hotel. We drove awhile, and eventually we stop at a Wendy's in Mt.Vernon, Illinois. We walk in to get lunch. Normally, we would have chosen a more quality restaurant, but we were in a hurry. We run in, and we notice that the woman at the counter, a skinny teenager, was sagging and had three-foot long arms. It was very bizarre. We sat down to eat our food and we see this kid next to us who has this stuff all over his shirt. His mom looked at him with a heated expression, because he had spilled three frostys, three burgers, and pan fried crud in a box(fries) all over his nice black pants and white polo shirt. We hurried out of there quickly, me leading, for I was afraid of the pan fried crud situation turning into the loudly dressed screaming man situation. As we began to drive, we passed by a juvinile prison. It was so scary. I would rather memorize War and Peace than go there. It looked like an empty life there. I feel sad for the kids who have to put up with living in a place like that. And, doing an awful crime in addition to living in the scariest place in the world would feel as if someone told you to walk across water with an elephant on your shoulders. I also saw the closest thing to an insane asylum in the United States. It said "Mental Hospital", but my dad told me that when he was young, he used to drive by every day and the put people in straitjackets and they looked trough barred windows. When I got to Alton, we met up with my grandmother, and we went to a restaurant. Then, we went to a light show and as we were driving back, I noticed this massive, creepy looking painting on a high cliff. It was this.

Apparently, these Native Americans used to live near the Mississippi River. They have this one particularly creepy legend about this creature called the "Piasa Bird"(The thing above). This thing was like a satanic demon. It killed people and ate their insides out. It plucked out eyes and left only skin. Anyways, this one cheif guy really wanted to kill it, so he asked the"Great Spirit" how to kill it. He then presented himself as bait for the Piasa, and it came down to eat him. All the sudden, his men came out and stabbed the Piasa with arrows. Bleeding, it flew up into the sky and landed in the middle of the river. The blood of the Piasa gave the river a new color. Then, they painted it on this rock to celebrate their victory against the Piasa. Weird story, huh? It freaked me out a bit. So, the moral is, ask a higher power what to do if you have a problem, then kill it no matter what, and do not even try to make peace with it. Interesting story though. By the way, did you know that there are still orphanages in America? I saw one. And now, I leave you with this.

Yo Dawg

There are these weird comics online that are funny. Read them or prepare to die. They all started when this guy named xzibit said this stupid thing on a show. Basically, the format for making these is "Yo dawg I heard youlike (blank) so we put a (blank) in yo (blank) so yo can (blank) while yo (blank). They are pretty funny.

And now for my personal favorite...