Well, hello. I am Mr. Hemilpharb. I wish to tell you a story. A story of power. A story of tragedy. A story that, hopefully, wasn't untitled by Phil.
(Good job, Phil.)
One day, a man was in the great nation of Jaloopalagambous (also known as Nepal), and he decided to climb the Himalayas. But, he wanted more than just to climb them. He wanted to experience the full power of Mt. Dirigiyem. Therefore, he decided to climb it while listening to an e-book of James Clavelis' "Shogun". Now, as he prepared to climb, a man warned him of the great horrors he would face on the mountain. He replied "Am Person. Will climb."
As he began his trek, he started on a nice trail. He looked up at the great mountain shaped like a Dirigiyem head and sighed with bliss. He took no notice that the sign on the path said "DANGER!!!". As he climbed, he noticed that the tree trunks were beginning to look green. Giant bushes appeared, with fruit that was only the crappiest of beers, but, for some reason, also the king of beers. He stumbled upon a dad. A drunk dad trying his hardest to give his son two dollars but only succeeding in giving him all different types of alcohol. He snapped some shots amd moved on. However, he realized he could not move because some crazy old man was trying to eat his feet. He stomped on the man's face. The old guy began screaming about a lake and "eat yer up!". He finally broke free of the old man's grip by giving him a dead guy he found who looked like he had cut off all his fingers, got run over by a train, and then was viciously mauled by bears. He then actually moved on.
He then reached a famous place called "Celebrity Hill". Owl pellets, smoking carcasses, hair, and numerous celebrities were everywhere. He instantly got the autograph of Jeffrey Dahmer's smoking ribcage. No one else seemed worthy to him. As he went up the mountain further, he happened upon a road. Someone who appeared to be a lion in a car pulled up. But, this thing rolled down its window and was actually a half-woman, half-lion. Next to her was a horrifying clown with a rather large chainsaw. He moved on. As he got further up the road, he noticed an abundance of frozen people who had recently gotten electrocuted. He stayed for a while, but left due to crazy people chasing him with highlighters.
All of the sudden, an amazing thing happened. Old people flew up into the air attached to fireworks! He was there on the night of the Annual Senior FIIREEWWOOOORRRKKKSSSS Boom Boom Happy Time Fest. Everyone was out to enjoy the fun. A man in a lime green suit grabbed his daughter and threw her across the room while a child dropped bacon on the floor. A giant bird flew in the sky above him with lots of eyes on its toes. Xzibit even showed up with his own fireworks and said "Yo dawg I herd you like fireworks so I put a boom in your bang so you can explode while you explode." The man thought these were words of wisdom. He committed them to memory.
Then, all of the sudden, something rose from the ground. It was a strange creature. Its head looked like a mushroom, but with lots of the letter y on it. Electric currents flew everywhere, as did Red Bull and Bazookas autographed by various members of the rap community. It was Dirigiyem. But then, he sang. He sang a tune for times. He sang so beautifully that the man fell into a limbo of color and beauty, where he could taste sound and touch smell. He flew above mountains, he was high in the sky. Circular birds flew by with bright orange wings. But then, there was a passage. A passage of much color. He swam through it, and on the other side, his ears smoked and green eyebrows hung themselves on ropes made out of flames. All the sudden, he was a liquid that turned into many solids of himself. And when he was himself, he knew that he truly was.
And then Dirigiyem stopped singing. He woke up on the dirty tile floor of a Super 8 motel with foam and blood all over his face. He ran out of the room and realized that he had no idea where he was. He ran along the balcony, trying to find something he knew, something that was familiar to him. He ran screaming along the balcony. Dozens of strange people walked out of their rooms, wondering what was happening. Then, they see this man, with blood and foam all over his face, standing on a hotel balcony, wearing only his underpants. And then he stepped back too far and went straight over the railing. That man fell forty-six feet. And just before he landed, he saw something he knew.
His brand new car.
He smashed onto the car. His head went straight through the windsheild and he got the necklace of death. His blood stained the windows, hood, and windsheild of the car as his body fell from atop it. The man was dead.
And that's why you don't do drugs, kids!
Then, all of the sudden, something rose from the ground. It was a strange creature. Its head looked like a mushroom, but with lots of the letter y on it. Electric currents flew everywhere, as did Red Bull and Bazookas autographed by various members of the rap community. It was Dirigiyem. But then, he sang. He sang a tune for times. He sang so beautifully that the man fell into a limbo of color and beauty, where he could taste sound and touch smell. He flew above mountains, he was high in the sky. Circular birds flew by with bright orange wings. But then, there was a passage. A passage of much color. He swam through it, and on the other side, his ears smoked and green eyebrows hung themselves on ropes made out of flames. All the sudden, he was a liquid that turned into many solids of himself. And when he was himself, he knew that he truly was.
And then Dirigiyem stopped singing. He woke up on the dirty tile floor of a Super 8 motel with foam and blood all over his face. He ran out of the room and realized that he had no idea where he was. He ran along the balcony, trying to find something he knew, something that was familiar to him. He ran screaming along the balcony. Dozens of strange people walked out of their rooms, wondering what was happening. Then, they see this man, with blood and foam all over his face, standing on a hotel balcony, wearing only his underpants. And then he stepped back too far and went straight over the railing. That man fell forty-six feet. And just before he landed, he saw something he knew.
His brand new car.
He smashed onto the car. His head went straight through the windsheild and he got the necklace of death. His blood stained the windows, hood, and windsheild of the car as his body fell from atop it. The man was dead.
And that's why you don't do drugs, kids!
And then you automatically turn into a nearly toothless old man.
Don't abuse the horses. Just calmly say "Run". OK? Is that in your head? No need to make deep cuts and gashes. No need to stab a horse in the back repetitively to make it go. No need to damage the horse's eardrums by getting a megaphone and shouting encouragement for the horse directly into it's ear. Just say run. It's one of the words from us humans that horses actually understand. (Unless your horse is Mr. Ed or incredibly intelligent) And just because they get one word doesn't mean you can sit and chat over coffee and scones. Horses get "run". They do not get "Oh- my- god. Jessica- girl, did you see Brad Pitt in that underwear ad? He was a-smokin! Oh my gawd!" Do not chat with a horse. A horse is a horse, of course, of course, not yo BFF Jessica.